vonHummer Hour television series

Oregon—Portland

Weekly on
Wednesdays at 11:30pm on Channel 23
Fridays at 11:30pm on Channel 11
Saturdays at 11pm on Channel 22

Oregon—Washington County, and all the other counties surrounding Portland—Channel 11:

Weekly on
Friday nights at 11:30pm on Channel 11

Washington—Seattle

Weekly on
Fridays at 11:30pm on Channel 77 (Comcast) or Channel 23 (Broadstripe)
Wednesdays at 2am on Channel 77 (Comcast) or Channel 23 (Broadstripe)
Streamed online! Watch it live HERE...(you'll need Windows Media Player)

Also all over YouTube! Now in a new area on ivnet.tv! (Look down at the bottom right of the page under "vonHummer." There's about 7 episodes. I forget which ones.)

Not on in your local virginity?
With you as our sponsor, we could be! Email us and find out how easy and sweet it is to be a Johnny Lobsterseed to your own impoverished cable access channels. Sulu would.

About the show:

Describing The vonHummer Hour is like performing a strip tease for a roomful of blind eunuchs: it's not a total waste of time, but it might as well be. The vonHummer Hour cannot merely be described. It must be smelled, tasted, touched and fully digested before swimming or boating. Then, and only then will you understand the simple truth underlying this prefound TV show: The vonHummer Hour is thirty minutes.

Cast of Characters:

Pontifex vonHummer: Painted gentleman... Singer... Songwriter... Philosopher... Secret millionaire... Part-time father figure... In a world where no one looks up to anyone, he looks up to himself, and in his own eyes he sees the reflection of a man looking down his nose at nobody in particular. Someday, if there's a God on Heaven, men like him will once again walk the earth in the evening cool of the evening.

Helvetica Bold: Her character is a composite of the ancient Grecian Fates of Rome: Klotho, who spins the cloth of Destiny; Inchius, who measures your threads; and Tempus, a temporary worker filling in for Snippus, who cuts you out (still in recovery from carpal tunnel surgery). Only Helvetica can provide the sort of HOT-CHA-CHA that Pontifex loves to understand as understanding and love. Turn-ons include: candlelight, roses, and three wine coolers. Turn-offs include: wax, plants, and alcoholic beverages.

Skelly [aka DJ Danz Macabre, Sir Skeleton, and The Duke of Skellington]: Performance artist Skelly first got his start as a Martha Graham Dancer, as Martha's stunt double in 1997! From there he went on to star in "Who's That Cracker?" and "The Fantastik's Four" at the Burn Brae Dinner Theatre and Car Washeteria. He is survived by his loving wife and sister, Henry. Donations of salt in his name can be pounded down the National Rat Hole.

Little vonHummer Junior, II: Only begotten son and heir to the vonHummer fortune. Little calls the man known to him as father in times of trouble, seeing his wise face in the stars. As seen in The Lion King. Like most other popular TV kids (Frankie Muniz, Lil Bow Wow, the Olsen Twins), Little vonHummer Junior, II is completely computer generated and dances to a corporate whim that brings joy to preteens all over the globe.

Clark Kent: There is nothing we can say, derogatory or of a nature demeaning nor meant to undermine the authority or stature of this individual producer of The vonHummer Hour. He is a high-paced achiever on a fast track to maintaining his goals.

Ann Hammer: There is nothing we can say, derogatory or of a nature demeaning nor meant to undermine the authority or stature of this individual producer of The vonHummer Hour. She is a high-paced achiever on a fast track to maintaining her goals.

Sulu: Special effects men from as far away as Canby-Hubbard have demanded to know how this oil-painted oracle appears to be able to speak as a human does. All we can say is... TV MAGIC! In all seriousity though, Suluism is a leading religion practiced not only on TV, but all over the county by tens of people. Sulu's yoke is hard, but his shell is thin, and his white is deee-LISH!

Pliny the Lobster: Perhaps no one sums up this dynamic preacher better than Pliny himself as he writes in his autobiography, I Wish I Would Do Something, "What fond memories I have of The Wizard of Oz. The whole family would put on their Sunday Best, pop popcorn, gather round and cheer the exploits of three flouncing costumed nincompoops and a drug-addled teenager with ample breasts bound to an unbearable flatness. Or so I would imagine, as Papa read the book. Years later, the movie came out, and it was JUST AS I HAD IMAGINED!"

F.U.: This lovable puppet was brought in to expand the teen demographic with his puppy-love eyes, totally fly wardrobe, and his initials-instead-of-a-name name. Not to mention his off-the-hook inspirational messages. F.U. has exposed a whole new generation to the time-tested bromides which has lead so many, many telemarketers and sales staffs to lives of unspeakable bitterness.